


It was probably Shitty

by arsonandhockeysticks



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, shitty is a god in the mind of the tadpoles, shitty is quite the character, shitty stories, this happens early year 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24042103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsonandhockeysticks/pseuds/arsonandhockeysticks
Summary: Lardo is tired of answering the tadpoles questions about Shitty so she decides that a story time is in order. The tadpoles are in awe of Shitty by the time it is over. When they finally meet Shitty, they are star struck.
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz & Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight, Shitty Knight & Jack Zimmermann
Comments: 12
Kudos: 22
Collections: omg stream! please Fics





	1. Who is this Shitty person?

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea one evening and decided that the good people of the interweb need more Shitty content. Thank you sooo much to Hisana for their amazing work as a beta reader.

“Hey Lardo?” 

Lardo looks up from the pile of old padding she is sorting. 

“Ya Tango, what’s up bro?” 

“I heard some stories about this guy Shitty from Ransom and Holster. Who is he?” 

Lardo sighed. “First off, don’t believe all that Ransom and Holster says dude, they like to inflate things and second, Shitty is amazing.” 

“Oh ok, but can you answer my questions?” 

“I don’t really want to talk about Shitty but uh... ok.” Lardo sighs. She isn’t too happy to talk about Shitty, things between them are a bit odd. But, the tadpoles need to learn about Shitty. Shitty is an integral part of the SMH history. 

  
  


**Old Geezers**

**<** The tadpoles are asking questions about Shitty. 

Ransom

We should do a story time!>

Holster

Bro! That would be amazing>

Bitty

I’ll bring pies!>

Nursery

Pie!>

<Really Bitty? Are pies needed for everything?

Holster 

Blasphemy!>

Ransom

how dare you! Sin Bin!>

Jack

For once, I agree with you>

Ransom

jack!>

Holster

Jack you’re here!>

Chowder

I miss Shitty>

Dex

Same bro>

Ransom

where’s shitty?>

Idk, somewhere?

Bitty

I will also bring popcorn to the storytime>

Holster

Yay>

_ Later.  _

“Alright everyone.” Lardo shouts through a megaphone. 

The tadpoles appeared to be both afraid and in awe of Lardo. She was wearing the bandana and sunglasses just like she had for the hazapalosa. On top of that, she was standing on the coffee table. Only Lardo knew where the megaphone was kept and She absolutely refused to let Ransom and Holster get their hands on it. If they did, things would not be good for the rest of the team living in the Haus. 

“Ok Lardo, I think you should tone it down.” Bitty reaches up and puts his hands on Lardos shoulder. “I know you care about Shitty, but try not to scare the tadpoles.” 

“Bitty, I don’t think that she can.” Ransom states, “I think with Lardo it’s hit or miss. No maybes with this bro.” 

“Probably true.” Holster nods sagely. 

“Now the real question is, where did she get the megaphone?” Wicks and Ollie had popped up as if from thin air. They were pretty good at it, but nowhere near to the mind boggling way that Johnson had though.

Holster lets out a small screak and almost jumps on Ransom. Ransom is unfazed by Holster jumping on him. It was a surprisingly common occurrence for Ransom. With Holster, personal space was well, a thing that happened to other people. 

“Probably in Shitty stuff.” Ransom looks over to Holster for conformation. 

“He did have that one he used for getting people out of the Haus.” Holster confirms. 

“That was evil. I hated being woken up by that thing.” Ollie complaints. 

“It really was.” Wicks agrees. 

“Hey bro,” Ransom directs his attention at Lardo, “We can also share stories too right?” 

“Ya bro.” Lardo says. “Wouldn’t want to steal the spotlight.” 

“Dude!” Holster says. “We should call Jack.” 

“Yes Bro!” Ransom bounces in excitement . “I bet he has soo many stories.” 

“Bitty, call Jack.” Holster orders. 

“Um ok. I will.” Bitty looks a bit nervous about calling Jack, which is weird.

Lardo wonders about why Bitty wouldn’t want to call Jack. _ Isn’t Jack Bitty’s best friend? Well that is a question for another time.  _

Bitty reaches for his phone and taps on Jack’s name in his contacts. 

“Hi Jack.” a pause and then. “The team wants you to tell stories about Shitty and his antics.”

“Ya, so you have forty minutes, yes.” 

Bitty puts a hand over the screen of his phone as he takes it from his ear. 

“He says yes. But he can only talk to us for about forty minutes.” Much cheering ensues after that. Bitty put the phone back up to his ear. 

“Ok Jack, I’m going to put you on speaker now.” 

“Euh- ok. Hi everyone.” 

“Hi Jack.” Everyone's chores back. 

“Um who’s Jack?” Tango asks. 

“You don't know who Jack is?” Holster acted like this was a major crime. 

“Uh- no?” Tango says. “Should I?” 

The rest of the tadpoles knew who Jack was. They start laughing. They all know exactly who Jack is. Tango is a little bit clueless. 

“Should I know who the Amazing Jack Zimmermann is?” Ransom squeaks.

Tango sinks into the couch. 

“Or as Shitty would put it, Jackabell Zimmermann with the ass who has more followers than you do.” Holster adds

“Oh ok. Sorry.” Tango says quietly. 

“Nah,” Jack says. “It’s fine that you euh don’t know who I am. It’s uh... actually nice not to be known.” 

“Really?” Tango’s voice is full of wonder. 

“Yes.” Jack laughs. “I don’t like being known.” 

“Now, let’s get on with our stories.” Bitty says. “Lardo, do you want to start first with a quick introduction of who Shitty is?” 

“Alright, For those of you who don’t know, Shitty B. Knight is a former member of the Samwell Men's Hockey team. He was also a walk on member of the team.” Lardo started. 

“By walk on you mean he wasn’t recruited, yes?”

“Shitty just got on to the ice in the morning and didn’t leave it till I dragged him off.” Jack added. “And after that, Shitty was on the team and then he decided that we were best friends.” 

“Do you like Shitty?” Whiskey asks. He is interested by this Shitty character. 

“I don’t think I had a choice about being friends with Shitty.” Jack said. “I do like him now though. He grows on you. Sorta like a fungus.”

“Knowing Shitty, he probably didn’t.” Holster added. 

“Knowing Shitty, he definitely didn't,” Ransom corrected. 

“Ok boys,” Lardo interjected. “We should probably start with the stories now. Who wants to go first?” 

“Brah, we all know that the person with the best Shitty stories is by far Jack.” Ransom states. 

“Ok,” Jack sounds resigned. 

The whole room sits in rapped attention. For a team of usually loud Hockey bros, they are remarkably silent. Every surface that could be sat on had people on it. The whole team turned out for this event. A few of the unlucky tadpoles ended up on the most likely toxic green couch. 

“What story should I start with?” Jack asks Ransom and Holster. 

“Dude, you should tell them about the time Shitty climbed a tree naked and you had to fight off some football players with a fire extinguisher.” Holster suggests. 

“Nah bro, Jack should tell about that time when Shitty was high and tried to debate philosophy with Johnson.” Ransom counters. 

“Ya, that was wild.” 

“I’ll start with a few of the stories that involve Shitty being in a tree.” Jack decides. 

  
_ Well, this is going to be interesting.  _ Whiskey thinks as he settles into the couch to listen. 


	2. Tree Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Shitty spends most of his time in a tree, or jumping out of one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we start, I would like to remind you all of a fact that you know, these characters all belong to the amazing Ngozl Ukazu and i just had fun messing with them.

“Shitty loves to sit in trees.” Jack starts. “When in a tree climbing mood, Shitty likes being called ‘Tree Man’. He is the only person to call himself that other than a few members of the football team.” 

Ransom and Holster laughed. They were definitely remembering why and how Shitty got that name. 

“Dude, I’m pretty sure that the whole football team thinks his name is Tree Man and not Shitty.” Holster laughs 

“Bro, his name isn’t even Shitty.” Ransom adds. 

“Wait really?” Tango asks. “What is his name then?” 

“That is a secret that we sworn to keep.” Holster announces. Ransom nods in agreement when Tango looks at him. 

“Jack?” Tango asks. 

“It’s true, I am also sworn to secrecy and I only learned his name at graduation.” Jack affirms. 

The room is silent for a few moments before Lardo breaks it by saying, 

“Ok, so we are really off topic now, Jack tell us the tree stories. Including the one where he jumps that guy.”

“Ok so- euh there was this guy and it was at a kegster and he was uh trying to do something to a girl. Like something really not good. The guy was under a tree, and as it happened, Shitty was just chilling in the tree.” Jack started. 

“And then, Shitty drops on the shoulders of the guy like a drop bear on a plate of poutine.” Ransom finishes.

“And the best thing is, Shitty will never say if he was wearing boxers or nothing at all.” Holster chortles. “Wait, did you just say that he fell on the guy like a drop bear on a plate of poutine?” 

“Uh- ya?” Ransom looks a bit ashamed. “It’s a thing we say in Canada.” 

“Ransom you lie. It is not. I’m from Montreal and we never say that.” Jack laughs. 

“Aren't Drop Bears like Austrian anyways?” Holster asks. 

“Uh I think so?” Ransom sounds really unsure of his answer. 

“Do Drop Bears even exist?” Tango looks completely lost. 

“Actually, Drop Bears are an urban legend from Australia” Lardo answers. “The concept of the Drop Bear comes from Kawals getting rabies and falling out of trees on people.” 

“Uh Lardo?” Jack asks, “Why do you know so much about Drop Bears?” 

“I know things.” Lardo answers mysteriously. “Anywho, let's move on with the stories.” 

“Ok so there was this one time that Shitty decided that jumping down on me when I was studying for a history test.” Jack volunteers. “ For context, I was sitting under the tree in front of the haus. Then, Shitty drops down on me and all he’s wearing is his pair of Wonder Woman boxers.” 

“Brah, He loves those!” Holster laughs. “Hey Lards, does he still have them?” 

“Yup, and he wears them whenever possible.” Lardo nods. 

“Well, they are completely disgusting.” Jack says. “Anyways, uh when he lands on me i completely freak, and i throw him off me. Shitty goes flying and he lands on Johnson.” Jack has to stop to laugh. This is more words at one time than most if the team has heard from him. “And then Johnson is like ‘It’s fine dude, the author needed someone for you to land on and I was the only person she could come up with.’” Jack says in a remarkable impression of Johnson’s voice. 

“That goalie was really something else.” Ollie says. 

“He really was.” Wicks agrees. 

“Ok and then Shitty say ‘Bro, what do you mean by the fucking author, cuz if you’re talking about god, Well, I’m an Atheist and that fucker is fake.’” Jack says. “And then in true Johnson fashion, Johnson says, ‘Shitty, I’m just here to move the plot along and not to be a real character.’ and then he walks off.” 

“That man was something else.” Lardo laughs. “Hey jack, remember the time you fought off the football team with a fire extinguisher?”

“Ya.” Jack answers. “Pretty much the entire story is Shitty got high at a party and climbed the tree in front of the haus naked. The football team saw him and decided that trying to get him down would be funny. So a group of them tried to climb the tree,” 

“Keep in mind that all the football players were very super drunk at the time.” Lardo adds. 

“So I’m just sitting in my room studying.” Jack continues. “When i hear Shitty call, ‘Yo Jackable, the most beautiful of Canadian motherfuckers I need your help!” Jack does a passable impression of Shitty, “So I head out of my room and grab the first thing that comes to hand, which happens to be the fire extinguisher and i run outside.” 

At this point in the story, Ransom, Holster, Lardo and Bitty are all collapsing with laughter, they know what's going to happen next and they know that it will be hilarious. 

“Then, I get down to the yard.” Jack poses for a moment to laugh. “The football players are still trying to get in the tree, One is like on the second branch up from the ground, so i spray him.” 

“And then he screams so loud that he can be heard over the sound of the kegster.” Ransom says. 

“It was really high pitched.” Holster adds. 

“Then he falls out of the tree, on to another player. They both fall over. The rest of the team then turns on me like they are going to hurt me. So I uh turn the extinguisher on them and they also scream.” Jack says. 

“Someone almost calls the police.” Lardo adds, “I had to tackle them.” 

“Eventually, they did leave though.” Jack finishes. 

“Will we ever get to meet him?” Tango asks. 

“Oh indubitably my dear tadpole.” Holster answers. 

“He will probably come to the Halloween kegster.” Ransom elaborates. 

“I can’t decide if I want to meet him or not.” Whiskey says. 

“You most definitely do.” Holster tells him definitely. 

“This has gotten so much more interesting.” Whiskey thinks. “I’m glad that I chose to come to this thing instead of just being in my dorm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading. My tumblr is nea-the-nerd if you want to vibe with me. I hope you had fun reading this. I will try to post again some time this month but that is debatable. Have on the internet!  
> Fact of the chapter,  
> Did you know that it is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub over Boston Common?


	3. Pants Are Evil, or The Saga of Stop n' Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shitty rants about pants, critisizes Jack's sense of style, and looses going to Stop n' Shop with Bitty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be much lest organized than the others before it, but have fun reading! Thank you to the inestimable Hisana for her amazing work as a beta and the rest of omgsp for their input

“Shitty hates pants.” Nursey says. He had been quiet through most of the evening even though he had known Shitty the longest of any one on the team. Shitty and Nursey had played together on the Andover team. 

“Like he hates them so much that one time after a game he refused to put back on his pants and just left the locker room only wearing a t-shirt and his boxers. And to make it worse is that right after our game was open skate and there were a bunch of families with small children!” Nursey starts laughing uncontrollably. 

“Wait really?” Holster asks incredulously. “I never heard that story before.” 

“Then some woman comes up to Shitty and tells him that she can see his underwear and he should put on some pants. So Shitty goes up to her and says ‘Ma’am, I find it very offensive that you think that you have the right to tell me what to do. The fact that our society thinks that wearing pants and only pants for men is sad. Our society would be so much better if booty shorts were acceptable for those who identify as male to wear in public.’ Classic Shitty.” 

Nursey’s impression of Shitty is masterful. He does the accent and cadence of Shitty perfectly.

“That’s not the only time that Shitty has rebelled against social constructs via pants in public.” Jack’s voice emanates from the speakers of Bitty’s phone. 

“Are you talking about the time in Stop n’ Shop?” Ransom asks. 

“Yeah, I’m telling that one.” Jack says. 

“That’s a fun one.” Lardo says. 

“Euh one time Shitty and I were in Stop n’ Shop.” Jack starts when Dex interrupts him by asking “The normal one or the murder one?” 

“The murder one.” Jack answers. “So we were euh standing in the produce aisle next to the pineapple I think, when Shitty started to complain about wearing pants. That was usual for Shitty so I ignored him, then he started yelling ‘PANTS ARE A PRISON!’ and I’m like, Shitty this is a Stop n’ Shop. Shitty ignores me and then he shouts ‘Society is a prison and pants are a part of it.’ Luckey, i managed to get us both out of there before Shitty either took off his pants or we got kicked out.” 

“Shitty’s used that argument so many times.” Holster says. 

“Jack’s like the only person who can get him to put on pants when he doesn’t want to.” Ransom adds. “The conversation will be like Jack telling Shitty to put on pants.” 

“Then Shitty will be like society is a prison.” Holster says. “And Jack tells him to put on pants anyways.” 

“Then Shitty says that pants are a prison.” Ransom continues. 

“And then Jack will say that, Yes, society is a prison but we participate in it by wearing pants.” Holster concludes. 

“That usually shuts Shitty up.” Bitty agrees. 

“Is this true?” Tango asks.  
Jack laughs and answers “This is definitely true. To get Shitty to shut up you have to know the right things to say.” 

“Did you know that Shitty isn’t allowed to walk around the house naked.” Lardo adds off handedly. 

“But i’ve seen him walk around naked.” Chowder says confusedly. 

“Even though he’s not allowed to do it, he still does.” Bitty answers. 

“Why isn’t he allowed to, other than the fact that it is gross?” Dex asks. 

“He came into my room naked one time too many and I had to invoke the captain's privilege to get that rule on the books.” Jack says. 

“Shitty didn’t talk to Jack for a week because of that.” Lardo adds. 

“Yeah and the next time he talked to me was to make fun of my style. He did that a lot, complaining about my style that is. This was our second year. He thinks that I need go get a stylist. He hated how I euh dressed in our first year the most. He said I looked like I was going to rob a burger king or a Tim Hortons.” Jack says 

“What were you wearing?” Dex asks. 

“I wore all black and in the winter I wore a touque.” Jack tells Dex. “It wasn’t that bad.” 

“Jack honey, I saw that hat last winter.” Bitty says. “It is that bad if not worse, I think it looks like you stole it from the person who robbed the Burger King.” 

“That’s harsh Bitty. But probably true.” Lardo laughs. 

“Have I told y’all about how Shitty always lost Stop n’ Shop trips?” Bittys asks the room at large. 

“Wait trips to Stop n’ Shop trips are winnable?” Tango asks. “How did I never know that?” 

“Because you never win them.” Bitty answers with a smile. 

“How do you win them?” Whiskey asks. He is intrigued by this concept. 

“That is not information that you are ready for.” Bitty tells him. 

Holster decided it was time to change the subject. “In Shitty’s time on the team he face planted on the ice a total of seven and a half times.” 

“I have two questions about that.” Chowder says. 

“Ok, shoot.” Holster grins. 

“First, how did you get that number, and second, where does the ‘and a half' come from?” Chowder asks. 

“So we got the number of times from watching and the ones from the year we weren’t on the team from Jack.” 

“We had a running list of the number of times people faceplanted my frog year.” Jack affirms. 

“And the half comes from the time that he face planted on the ice just coming on to the ice, so only half of him was on it.” Holster explains. 

“I guess that makes some sense.” Chowder shrugs. 

“We are not counting the other six times he has face planted whilst high and the remaining three times due to unknown reasons.” Ransom adds. 

“The unknown reasons were Jack related.” Holster comments. 

“Not true!” Jack protests. 

“You liar.” Ransom tells him. 

“I deny all these allegations.” Jack tells everyone in the room. 

“Sure.” Hoster agrees skeptically. 

“Is Shitty also the reason that we have the reading room on the roof?” Tango asks. 

“No, the team has always used it for the purpose that we use it for but he is the reason that we have the bylaws.” Lardo answers. “Jack do you know why we have the bylaws?” 

“I do” Jack answers, “I was there.” 

“Really?” Dex asks. 

“Yes,” Jack says “So it was during our frog year I think, yes it was our frog year. Shitty got very high and decided that the team needs more rules. Shitty had just ended a tangent on the unfairness of the fines and that they needed to be codified and have a coherent structure ‘so they could not be exploited for the benefit of the upperclassmen’.” 

“Did the rest of the team like the new bylaws?” Ollie asks. 

“They didn’t find out till the next year when Shitty had more influence on the team.” Jack answers. “And then they liked it, surprisingly.” 

“Wait really?” Wicks asks. 

“Yes really.” Jack says. “Uh, I have to go now. Sorry.” 

“It’s ok, Jack.” Lardo tells him. “It was nice to hear from you.” 

The rest of the room chorus their thanks and Bitty hangs up. 

“Well that was fun.” Bitty claps his hands. “Time to clean up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Stop n' Shop is in fact real and not made up. They even have a terrifying robot named Marty  
> Thanks for reading this mess!  
> Kudos and comments make my day <3


	4. Wait Really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the frogs finally meet Shitty. He is not what they expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks to the amazing Hisana for being my beta for this fic.

A few weeks later at the Halloween kegster 

“WHAT UP MY GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKERS! DID YOU MISS ME YOU PLEBEIANS?” The voice that shouted that had a very weird accent. It was a strange mix of an upper class Bostonian and a drunk sports fan on the red line after the Red Sox won the World Series. 

“Who the hell is that?” Whiskey asks Ransom and Holster. 

“That my dear tadpole is the one, the only, and the magnificent B. ‘Shitty’ Knight.” Holster announces. 

“Wait, that is Shitty?” Tango asks. “He sounds so different than what I expected.” 

“Shitty surprises many people when they first meet him,” Ransom explains. “Especially if they have only heard about his accomplishments.”

“But he’s so short.” Whiskey says. 

“His height does surprise many.” Holster states. “He’s still taller than Bitty though.” 

“But that’s not that hard.” Ransom adds. 

“Where’s his flow?” Tango asks. 

“He had to get the chop for law school.” Lardo tells them as she walks up to the four hockey players. 

“Hey Lardo.” They all greet her. 

“Sup fuckers.” Shitty says as he slaps his hands on the shoulders of Ransom and Holster. “Care to introduce me to these pollywogs.” 

“But aren't we tadpoles?” Tango asked in a state of mild confusion, this was rather normal for him. 

“Technically you are frogs.” Holster says which confuses Tango even more than before. 

“But Shitty likes to use creative words.” Ransom explains. 

“That I do.” Shitty confirms. “We have so many words in this fucking langage and we got to use them.” 

“That makes sense?” Tango says. 

“I like this one.” Shitty tells Ransom and Holster. 

“Thank you?” Tango is still confused by Shitty. He can’t decide if he’s in awe or afraid of this Shitty person. 

“Are all the stories about you true?” Whiskey asks Shitty. 

“Most probably my dude.” Shitty says. “Can someone grab me a fucking cup of something alcoholic?” 

“I can go get you something.” Tango volunteers and then runs off into the crowd. 

“What's with that kid?” Shitty asks the upperclassmen. “He asks so many fucking questions. This is not a fucking lecture.” 

“That’s just Tango.” Lardo shrugs. 

The energy between her and Shitty seemed a bit off. They used to be much closer. 

“Yo, is there something off between Lards and Shitty?” Ransom whispers to Holster. Well, it was more of a normal talking voice since it's rather loud in the Haus. 

“Ya bro, something’s really off between those two.” Holster agrees. 

“Should we do something?” Ransom asks. 

“Nah.” 

“Hey Shits, want to get destroyed at beer pong?” Lardo asks shitty. 

“You are fucking on my dude.” Shitty replies. 

“Is he always like this?” Whiskey asks. 

“Nope.” Holster grins. 

“This is a quite Shitty.” Ransom says. 

“Really?” Whiskey asks. 

“Yup.” Holster says.   
“WOOOO. I WIN!” Lardo shouts. 

“Fuck. I forgot how good you were at this Lards!” Shitty shouts back. 

The rest of the evening was mostly uneventful other than the usual chaos. Well mostly uneventful there were a few instances of well Shitty going off and scaring some bros with his lectures on our homo-normative culture. Most of the lecture was explaining what homo-normative even meant but still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this thing! I can't thank the good people of omgsp enough for all the support i have gotten on this fic.   
> anywho did you know that the state heroine of Massachusetts is Deborah Sampson? She fought in the American Revolution.   
> Kudos and comments always make my day!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like the story so far!  
> Did you know that the great molasses flood of 1919 killed 21 people?  
> I would love to hear your thought <3


End file.
